Well damn, here I am. Not that a big life event has happened, thank goodness! But some days, you just need to blog. Sure we can vent but it’s not the same. Anyone who loves to write can understand. I am much better “spoken” in written word. Now if only my fingers can keep up with my mind.
Let’s jump to what has me wanting to write to begin with, my son.
He’s 21, lives at home with his girlfriend. He’s a mechanic, has had many jobs (in just one year) but seems to be doing “okay” for now (knocking on wood) He has OCD, depression & extreme anger issues. Before you give your advice “get him help”, been there done that, he doesn’t want it & at this point & age, I can’t make him go. He won’t take meds, that’s part of his OCD. It’s a crazy cycle. That being said, when he’s ON, he’s great! He’s funny, laughs, jokes around and can be a lot of fun. Just have to be careful not to set him off. His dad & I split when he was 9. His dad was an alcoholic, turning drug addict when I decided WE deserved a better life.
Time was short before I met someone who was everything I ever wanted in a soul mate…. well, almost. Except she was a … well, SHE. I am a very open minded person, BFF of 26 years is gay. My family has always been open to just about anything. So the transition, or whatever you want to call it, was pretty simple, at least pretty accepting, just not that simple at times.
My son, a Taurus. My partner, a Taurus. Butt heads. She was his buddy for a few years but when things got serious & she took more of a parental role, he rebelled. He still does after 13 years. We can go weeks of good times & then BAM. One thing out of her mouth & he’s on a warpath of hate.
This weekend, I got the brunt of it. Usually it’s her, usually they go at it or he’ll be going off about her as I try to get a few words in, usually keeping my calm as I know you shouldn’t fuel the fire. I evidently struck the match this weekend.
As I said, he’s always had anger issues. He can explode at any given moment, but not ever at me. Targeting me. It was awful & it hurt. I will admit fault to some degree. But when someone is so out of control that they aren’t listening you tend to engage in the outrage so that you will be heard.
We ask very little of these 2 young adults in our house. No rent is requested. We just ask that everyone clean up after themselves. My partner is more of a stickler than I am but I agree that cleaning up after them is tedious & after reminders it’s just downright unnecessary. They have a habit of putting laundry in the washer & leaving it. One, this stinks up the washer & creates mildew. Two, it’s an inconvenience when we go to do laundry. Bad enough we have to “assign” days to do laundry in our own house but we try to work together.
Saturday morning they had left laundry in the washer & in the dryer. It was early & we needed to start ours. My partner removed the clothes from the dryer & the washer & put them on top of the dryer. For the record, I myself would have put their wet clothes in the dryer but she had enough of the reminders (including the note hanging above the washer stating “do not leave clothes in the washer”) When my partner went to the store, the outrage began.
From my bedroom I could hear the F bomb being thrown around quite violently. I approached my son’s room to see what the ruckus was about. That’s when it turned into an all out bashing of my partner & how much he can’t stand her & how I take her side all the time. Which is not true by any means. My partner & I RARELY argue but when we do it’s because I’m not agreeing with how she handled something regarding my son. We’ve gone rounds many times because of him. As he continues to put her down, call her names & begin every sentence with FUCK, I lost it. I reminded him how much she’s done for him in the last 13 years & how he never sees any of that, he only sees the parts he doesn’t like. I reminded him that he was asked many times to not leave laundry in there. I pointed out how much we tolerate his laziness and the nastiness of his bedroom & bathroom, in which we never complain about. The night before he dripped ice cream in the living room & when we came home we had a monstrosity of ants from kitchen to dining room to living room. We spent the next hour, which mind you was about 10pm, scrubbing floors, counters & setting ant traps everywhere. I did at one point retrieve him & ask him to clean up his ice cream, where he stated he didn’t know he spilled any. As he was cleaning I pointed out the box & soda bottles that had been on the kitchen table for days. Where he picked them up & put them next to the recyclables in the kitchen only to later have me take them out to the garbage. It’s simple, very simple but for some reason we are out of line for asking the things we do.
As he gets louder & more belligerent about my partner I made the comment “She has done more for you in your life than your father ever did”…. that was the atomic missile that set the fucking world on fire. See, sadly his father committed suicide last April. Though they did not have a very good or close relationship, rightly so, he still is very hurt & sad that his father is gone.
This is where my heart met it’s maker. As he stood there & told me repeatedly to “shut the fuck up” & “fuck off, bitch”… never, ever has he called me names. Never has he sworn AT me. The hurt erupted where I told him to leave, get out, pack his shit & find somewhere else to live since I’m such a horrible mother. At which time he continued to swear at me & put his hand through our hallway wall. This being the 5th or maybe 6th, I’ve lost count, hole he has put in our house. Mostly in his room, in his door or bathroom, but none the less, the destroying of our home is at its limit.
I went for a walk & called my partner. I sobbed & sobbed. Never had he treated me like that, ever. I am a very good, patient, tolerating mother. Many say I’m TOO lenient. To each their own. I’ve spent 21 years of his life playing both roles, it’s tiring and it’s hard to always be perfect so I’ve done the best I could. Yes, I do walk on eggshells often but I know how to deal with him where others would set him off. He tells every friend & every girlfriend “if you can’t ever calm me down, call my mom, she’s the only one who can” I love that. Recently my partner & I took a 5 day vacation and when we came home his gf said “I don’t know how he’s going to move out, the whole time you were gone he kept saying he missed his mommy” 🙂
I have been the only person to have his back 24/7. I’ve gone to battle against his friends, teachers, principals, police, bosses, girlfriends, grandparents, parent… because that’s what I do. I’m not saying it’s right but we can’t go back in time. I guess I thought “I have your back, you have mine” was still viable.
The disrespect has hit home & hard this time. He apologized, as best he does, in person & through a text. It’s always the same “I was just upset”. I understand that he was very upset I mentioned his father, I did apologize, said it was out of line & I was by NO means bashing his dad. I have truly refrained from saying anything negative about him since his passing. I was merely trying to point out how much my partner has been there for him & instead it totally backfired.
Needless to say, I’m still harboring hurt. Where I typically can let most things go. I’m used to just “moving on” but I notice with those that I truly love, I struggle moving on when I’m hurt by them, but only makes sense, right?
I asked him again to get help with his emotions & anger. He states no one can help him. I know that’s not true but what else can I do? I won’t tolerate this behavior though anymore. I’ve been up & down for days with emotions & thoughts. I can be fine one minute & in tears the next. I don’t have any urge to talk to him right now but don’t want to alienate him since he just seems unstable. I’m just tired of him reacting & treating others like this, saying a mere “sorry I was mad” and that’s that. It doesn’t end. He doesn’t learn. Time for me to step up & not stand for the little things anymore. He’s a grown ass man & I know he’s so much better than his anger.
I will always love him unconditionally but I won’t be his human punching bag.