Cutting the cord…

I have been told, aka teased, many times to “cut the cord” when it comes to my son. Most often in a jokingly manner but as with most things, there’s some truth behind it.

My son is 22 years old. He is my only child & has been by my side since the day he was born. Don’t go thinking this is a beautiful, fairy tale relationship… it wasn’t at all but was it typical? Eh, for the most part. He struggles with OCD, depression (more so now that his father passed away) and anger issues. Needless to say, that all kept life quite charismatic. Now, on the flip side, he has a vivacious personality (when in a good mood) and can make me laugh on a whim. Good with the bad, right?

May 11, 1995 my world changed. I “borned” the first boy in our family. I wanted a girl more than anything, it’s what I knew. Both my pregnancy & labor sucked ass so the LEAST that could happen was to give me a girl! When I woke (yes I did not get to witness my one & only birth) the first thing I said when they handed me the swaddled, red-faced, prune was “what is it?”. My mother looked at me with the saddest eyes, cocked her head in a “I’m so sorry” manner, placed her hand on my arm and said “it’s a boy honey”. I looked at the China-man like face & said “I don’t care, he’s all mine” ♥ Thus is where it all began.

Kids, unconditional love, right? So take that, plus a big ole mama’s boy & yea, I was wrapped around that little finger from day one. My marriage sucked. We weren’t compatible, he drank, I raised our kid. He worked, I raised our kid. He partied, I raised our kid. He cheated, I raised our kid. So as you can see, my son & I did everything together. I recall my ex even putting up a fight when I’d go to the store “can’t you just take him with you?” and so I did. Not that I minded but in order to keep our heads above water I nannied, thus I was surrounded by kids way more than I cared to be so a little “me” time would have been nice. That didn’t happen. By the time my son was 8 I threw in the towel on the marriage. I was 29 & I was unhappy. He & I both deserved better.

The first few months of the divorce my ex played a lot of games but he knew the one that would hurt the most, he constantly said he was going to fight for custody. Granted, now I sit here & laugh my ass off as if he’d ever win. I worked hard, I had a roof over our heads, no addictions, so exactly how was I unfit??

Well, I met a woman & fell in love. That was his ammo. I was an unfit mother to raise my son in a lesbian relationship. Granted raising him with a cheating, alcoholic must have been MUCH better in his eyes. As I told him time & time again, until I am 6 FEET UNDER, you will NEVER get my son. And I was right. In time, my ex accepted my relationship & accepted that I was the better option to raise him.

I’ve had him every holiday. I’ve been through every detention & suspension. I’ve wiped tears through every break up. I’ve calmed him from every meltdown. He shared more with me than I truly needed to know as his mother. I held his hand through knee surgery. I traveled 1.5 hours one way, 6 days straight to visit him when he was away from home. I’ve fought battles for him & mended wounds. I’ve chased down kids who picked on him. I’ve answered 10+ calls/day some days because he just needed to vent. I’ve talked him down from the highest ledges. I’ve sat through every sporting event he ever participated in. I proudly watched him graduate. I’ve been his “punching bag” when life wasn’t going right for him. And I’ve been his shoulder to cry on, especially since the passing of his father. I’ve been his mom, his dad & his best friend for 22 years.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. My baby boy found a sweet girl (this is a first!) and they’ve moved in together. I waited a few weeks to write this as I was a blubbering mess for the first week or so. I’m very mixed emotionally. I’m proud of him for growing up & taking on more responsibility. I admit, I coddled him at times & may have hindered the “growing up” part. I do feel my household is less stressed. He had extreme mood swings & that took a toll on myself & my partner. My partner & him did not see eye to eye very often, both are Bulls (lord help me) so they butted heads more often than I would have liked, but so be it.

On the other hand, it’s quiet. Kinda mundane & somber. My partner & I have a great relationship, we do everything together. I miss the whirlwind when he’d walk through the door. His motor mouth made me look like a mute. He’d make my head spin rambling non-stop not even to breathe. He & I would have smokes together on the porch & talk about our days. My partner doesn’t smoke so this was mom-son time & I’m missing those moments. I don’t mind the peace sometimes but for 22 years he’s chattered in my ear and now….. silence.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen him pretty often, we even seem to do more things together now. My partner & him get along much better so yes I do get that there are very good things that this has brought about.

But mama misses her baby bird.

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