Cutting the cord…

I have been told, aka teased, many times to “cut the cord” when it comes to my son. Most often in a jokingly manner but as with most things, there’s some truth behind it.

My son is 22 years old. He is my only child & has been by my side since the day he was born. Don’t go thinking this is a beautiful, fairy tale relationship… it wasn’t at all but was it typical? Eh, for the most part. He struggles with OCD, depression (more so now that his father passed away) and anger issues. Needless to say, that all kept life quite charismatic. Now, on the flip side, he has a vivacious personality (when in a good mood) and can make me laugh on a whim. Good with the bad, right?

May 11, 1995 my world changed. I “borned” the first boy in our family. I wanted a girl more than anything, it’s what I knew. Both my pregnancy & labor sucked ass so the LEAST that could happen was to give me a girl! When I woke (yes I did not get to witness my one & only birth) the first thing I said when they handed me the swaddled, red-faced, prune was “what is it?”. My mother looked at me with the saddest eyes, cocked her head in a “I’m so sorry” manner, placed her hand on my arm and said “it’s a boy honey”. I looked at the China-man like face & said “I don’t care, he’s all mine” ♥ Thus is where it all began.

Kids, unconditional love, right? So take that, plus a big ole mama’s boy & yea, I was wrapped around that little finger from day one. My marriage sucked. We weren’t compatible, he drank, I raised our kid. He worked, I raised our kid. He partied, I raised our kid. He cheated, I raised our kid. So as you can see, my son & I did everything together. I recall my ex even putting up a fight when I’d go to the store “can’t you just take him with you?” and so I did. Not that I minded but in order to keep our heads above water I nannied, thus I was surrounded by kids way more than I cared to be so a little “me” time would have been nice. That didn’t happen. By the time my son was 8 I threw in the towel on the marriage. I was 29 & I was unhappy. He & I both deserved better.

The first few months of the divorce my ex played a lot of games but he knew the one that would hurt the most, he constantly said he was going to fight for custody. Granted, now I sit here & laugh my ass off as if he’d ever win. I worked hard, I had a roof over our heads, no addictions, so exactly how was I unfit??

Well, I met a woman & fell in love. That was his ammo. I was an unfit mother to raise my son in a lesbian relationship. Granted raising him with a cheating, alcoholic must have been MUCH better in his eyes. As I told him time & time again, until I am 6 FEET UNDER, you will NEVER get my son. And I was right. In time, my ex accepted my relationship & accepted that I was the better option to raise him.

I’ve had him every holiday. I’ve been through every detention & suspension. I’ve wiped tears through every break up. I’ve calmed him from every meltdown. He shared more with me than I truly needed to know as his mother. I held his hand through knee surgery. I traveled 1.5 hours one way, 6 days straight to visit him when he was away from home. I’ve fought battles for him & mended wounds. I’ve chased down kids who picked on him. I’ve answered 10+ calls/day some days because he just needed to vent. I’ve talked him down from the highest ledges. I’ve sat through every sporting event he ever participated in. I proudly watched him graduate. I’ve been his “punching bag” when life wasn’t going right for him. And I’ve been his shoulder to cry on, especially since the passing of his father. I’ve been his mom, his dad & his best friend for 22 years.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. My baby boy found a sweet girl (this is a first!) and they’ve moved in together. I waited a few weeks to write this as I was a blubbering mess for the first week or so. I’m very mixed emotionally. I’m proud of him for growing up & taking on more responsibility. I admit, I coddled him at times & may have hindered the “growing up” part. I do feel my household is less stressed. He had extreme mood swings & that took a toll on myself & my partner. My partner & him did not see eye to eye very often, both are Bulls (lord help me) so they butted heads more often than I would have liked, but so be it.

On the other hand, it’s quiet. Kinda mundane & somber. My partner & I have a great relationship, we do everything together. I miss the whirlwind when he’d walk through the door. His motor mouth made me look like a mute. He’d make my head spin rambling non-stop not even to breathe. He & I would have smokes together on the porch & talk about our days. My partner doesn’t smoke so this was mom-son time & I’m missing those moments. I don’t mind the peace sometimes but for 22 years he’s chattered in my ear and now….. silence.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen him pretty often, we even seem to do more things together now. My partner & him get along much better so yes I do get that there are very good things that this has brought about.

But mama misses her baby bird.

Image result for empty nest quotes

 

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Silence is not my thing…

Duh. Just by the title of my blog it tells you I’m not good at being silent or keeping my mouth shut. I’m a Sagittarius, if you don’t know one, look it up. We aren’t very shy.

I’m still upset with my son. I hate it though. Granted we haven’t brushed elbows much since the incident. Just in passing, but after work he usually chatters about his day with me. He’ll ask where we’re going for date night. No more than maybe 10 words since the weekend. Is he tip toe-ing or am I??

We don’t even greet each other when we walk in the house. I don’t like it. I don’t like tension in my house. I guess as the adult, I need to make the first move. I believe with him, he knows mommy is pissed so he’s just being cautious. But not too cautious…..

Woke this morning to a kitchen garbage OVERFLOWING with stuff he tried jamming in there including a milk container that STILL contained milk. Eww! First of all, dump it! Second of all, we have a recycling  bin organizer (3 mind you) right in the kitchen. Pure laziness. Drives. Me. Nuts.

On top of that, the cookies they baked were still on the pan, on the stove. Oven mitt on the counter next to the spatula. Really? Is it that hard to put the cookies in a baggie & toss the dishes in the sink, AT LEAST! I mean, I don’t even expect them to wash them at night, just put them in the sink.

Guarantee it will all still be there when we get home. They rush to get up & get to work so I’m sure there was no time for tidy-ing up. I pulled the milk out of the trash & dumped it, rinsed it & tossed it in the recycling bin. Why you ask? Better to not fuel my partner’s rage too. We don’t need both of us sour so early. I pulled the trash bag out as well as I couldn’t get anything in it anyway.

Sigh… silence isn’t getting my point across. Maybe it’s letting him know I’m still hurt & angry at his behavior but the part about “everyone doing their part” doesn’t seem to be sticking!! Time to get out the Barney videos… yes, for my 21 year old. :-/

barney

Life needs a blog sometimes…

Well damn, here I am. Not that a big life event has happened, thank goodness! But some days, you just need to blog. Sure we can vent but it’s not the same. Anyone who loves to write can understand. I am much better “spoken” in written word. Now if only my fingers can keep up with my mind.

Let’s jump to what has me wanting to write to begin with, my son.

He’s 21, lives at home with his girlfriend. He’s a mechanic, has had many jobs (in just one year) but seems to be doing “okay” for now (knocking on wood) He has OCD, depression & extreme anger issues. Before you give your advice “get him help”, been there done that, he doesn’t want it & at this point & age, I can’t make him go. He won’t take meds, that’s part of his OCD. It’s a crazy cycle. That being said, when he’s ON, he’s great! He’s funny, laughs, jokes around and can be a lot of fun. Just have to be careful not to set him off. His dad & I split when he was 9. His dad was an alcoholic, turning drug addict when I decided WE deserved a better life.

Time was short before I met someone who was everything I ever wanted in a soul mate…. well, almost. Except she was a … well, SHE. I am a very open minded person, BFF of 26 years is gay. My family has always been open to just about anything. So the transition, or whatever you want to call it, was pretty simple, at least pretty accepting, just not that simple at times.

My son, a Taurus. My partner, a Taurus. Butt heads. She was his buddy for a few years but when things got serious & she took more of a parental role, he rebelled. He still does after 13 years. We can go weeks of good times & then BAM. One thing out of her mouth & he’s on a warpath of hate.

This weekend, I got the brunt of it. Usually it’s her, usually they go at it or he’ll be going off about her as I try to get a few words in, usually keeping my calm as I know you shouldn’t fuel the fire. I evidently struck the match this weekend.

As I said, he’s always had anger issues. He can explode at any given moment, but not ever at me. Targeting me. It was awful & it hurt. I will admit fault to some degree. But when someone is so out of control that they aren’t listening you tend to engage in the outrage so that you will be heard.

We ask very little of these 2 young adults in our house. No rent is requested. We just ask that everyone clean up after themselves. My partner is more of a stickler than I am but I agree that cleaning up after them is tedious & after reminders it’s just downright unnecessary. They have a habit of putting laundry in the washer & leaving it. One, this stinks up the washer & creates mildew. Two, it’s an inconvenience when we go to do laundry. Bad enough we have to “assign” days to do laundry in our own house but we try to work together.

Saturday morning they had left laundry in the washer & in the dryer. It was early & we needed to start ours. My partner removed the clothes from the dryer & the washer & put them on top of the dryer. For the record, I myself would have put their wet clothes in the dryer but she had enough of the reminders (including the note hanging above the washer stating “do not leave clothes in the washer”) When my partner went to the store, the outrage began.

From my bedroom I could hear the F bomb being thrown around quite violently. I approached my son’s room to see what the ruckus was about. That’s when it turned into an all out bashing of my partner & how much he can’t stand her & how I take her side all the time. Which is not true by any means. My partner & I RARELY argue but when we do it’s because I’m not agreeing with how she handled something regarding my son. We’ve gone rounds many times because of him. As he continues to put her down, call her names & begin every sentence with FUCK, I lost it. I reminded him how much she’s done for him in the last 13 years & how he never sees any of that, he only sees the parts he doesn’t like. I reminded him that he was asked many times to not leave laundry in there. I pointed out how much we tolerate his laziness and the nastiness of his bedroom & bathroom, in which we never complain about. The night before he dripped ice cream in the living room & when we came home we had a monstrosity of ants from kitchen to dining room to living room. We spent the next hour, which mind you was about 10pm, scrubbing floors, counters & setting ant traps everywhere. I did at one point retrieve him & ask him to clean up his ice cream, where he stated he didn’t know he spilled any. As he was cleaning I pointed out the box & soda bottles that had been on the kitchen table for days. Where he picked them up & put them next to the recyclables in the kitchen only to later have me take them out to the garbage. It’s simple, very simple but for some reason we are out of line for asking the things we do.

As he gets louder & more belligerent about my partner I made the comment “She has done more for you in your life than your father ever did”…. that was the atomic missile that set the fucking world on fire. See, sadly his father committed suicide last April. Though they did not have a very good or close relationship, rightly so, he still is very hurt & sad that his father is gone.

This is where my heart met it’s maker. As he stood there & told me repeatedly to “shut the fuck up” & “fuck off, bitch”… never, ever has he called me names. Never has he sworn AT me. The hurt erupted where I told him to leave, get out, pack his shit & find somewhere else to live since I’m such a horrible mother. At which time he continued to swear at me & put his hand through our hallway wall. This being the 5th or maybe 6th, I’ve lost count, hole he has put in our house. Mostly in his room, in his door or bathroom, but none the less, the destroying of our home is at its limit.

I went for a walk & called my partner. I sobbed & sobbed. Never had he treated me like that, ever. I am a very good, patient, tolerating mother. Many say I’m TOO lenient. To each their own. I’ve spent 21 years of his life playing both roles, it’s tiring and it’s hard to always be perfect so I’ve done the best I could. Yes, I do walk on eggshells often but I know how to deal with him where others would set him off. He tells every friend & every girlfriend “if you can’t ever calm me down, call my mom, she’s the only one who can” I love that. Recently my partner & I took a 5 day vacation and when we came home his gf said “I don’t know how he’s going to move out, the whole time you were gone he kept saying he missed his mommy” 🙂

I have been the only person to have his back 24/7. I’ve gone to battle against his friends, teachers, principals, police, bosses, girlfriends, grandparents, parent… because that’s what I do. I’m not saying it’s right but we can’t go back in time. I guess I thought “I have your back, you have mine” was still viable.

The disrespect has hit home & hard this time. He apologized, as best he does, in person & through a text. It’s always the same “I was just upset”. I understand that he was very upset I mentioned his father, I did apologize, said it was out of line & I was by NO means bashing his dad. I have truly refrained from saying anything negative about him since his passing. I was merely trying to point out how much my partner has been there for him & instead it totally backfired.

Needless to say, I’m still harboring hurt. Where I typically can let most things go. I’m used to just “moving on” but I notice with those that I truly love, I struggle moving on when I’m hurt by them, but only makes sense, right?

I asked him again to get help with his emotions & anger. He states no one can help him. I know that’s not true but what else can I do? I won’t tolerate this behavior though anymore. I’ve been up & down for days with emotions & thoughts. I can be fine one minute & in tears the next. I don’t have any urge to talk to him right now but don’t want to alienate him since he just seems unstable. I’m just tired of him reacting & treating others like this, saying a mere “sorry I was mad” and that’s that. It doesn’t end. He doesn’t learn. Time for me to step up & not stand for the little things anymore. He’s a grown ass man & I know he’s so much better than his anger.

I will always love him unconditionally but I won’t be his human punching bag.

 

signs

If you have ever grieved the loss of a loved one, whether family, friend, or even family pet, you probably have looked around for signs after their passing. Anything to convince you they are still “around”… present.

My father passed away July of 2008. One of the worst days of my life. It wasn’t expected, it was very sudden and happened so fast there was no time to say “goodbye”. I grieved very deeply for about 2 years. That’s not to say I didn’t still grieve, I do every day just not as intensely, it’s more controlled you could say. My heart will never be complete, that piece is missing forever.

Every day I look for a sign. I’m not religious so often times it’s hard for me to believe in the spiritual life form but I am learning since I don’t believe that religion and spirituality are one in the same. I do believe in spirits, just don’t feel like they’re ever the ones I want to encounter.

Father’s Day is obviously an extremely emotional day. It gets easier, but never easy. This year I was away on a mini vacay. I woke Sunday with the usual Father’s Day anchor weighing on my emotions but as I always do (or at least try), I fought the emotions and tried to muster through the day.

My partner and I decided to just chillax poolside for a bit. We rallied up a few lounge chairs and got settled in. She realized she had to go back up to the room for something so at that time I took a moment to myself. Took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes and raised my face to the beaming sun rays peeping through the surrounding trees. I silently spoke to my Pa.

happy father’s day Pa, I really miss you. I hope you’re doing well wherever you are and whatever you’re doing. I wish I could see you and talk to you more, if you could somehow show me that you’re still with me that’d be great. Ok, I love you.

Moments later my partner arrived back & we decided to cool off and take a quick dip. I’m an all in kinda girl, so I plunged right in. She’s a bit more one-step-at-a-time kinda girl so I swam towards the shallow end where she was entering the pool. As I got to her she says “hey babe, did you see that?” She points towards our lounge chairs, as I turned around I laid my eyes on the most beautiful, deep red cardinal perched right above my chair. We have often read about cardinals representing the spirits of the ones we lost. It looked at me and I looked at it and said “thanks Pa” with tears in my eyes.

I turned back and could see the smile on her face, knowing that she too thought it was a sign from him, even without knowing I had just spoken to him. These are the signs that I look for, that I need. Often times we don’t slow down enough to look around for the signs, they are around us more often than we think. I’m glad for the not so subtly of the cardinal otherwise I may have missed my Father’s Day moment with my Pa ♥

Fur babies are family ♥

Our rescues are our family. They are not pets or ornaments or prizes. They are our babies. Our fur babies. We’ve had a total of 9 felines together. When we met I had 3 orange ones and my partner had 1 calico. Since then we have rescued 5 additional fur babies.

I love animals, all animals. Much more than people. My bumper sticker should read “I brake for animals, if you’re human, you better run”.

I’ve volunteered different places (feline & canine) but find that I bring too many home (oops). I’ve fostered once and though this is very heroic and I commend those who do it, the one time we fostered two kittens we spent weeks grieving over their adoption. It was just too damn hard to part. Can’t do it.

I’m all for adopting, not buying. I don’t care for breeding, the world has plenty of unwanted animals that need homes, no need to breed, especially for the sake of money. Grr.

Last year we lost 2 of our fur babies. Very hard losses, as they always are but the one was so young and died of heart disease. She was THE sweetest baby I’ve ever met. It was 6 months ago on June 28th that we lost her & I still tear up (okay I cry) about it. Her time with us was just too short & we miss her tremendously.

Our fur babies get constant attention and love. We absolutely do the “baby” talk voice with them and some even talk back (that’s the best). They cuddle with us and even pose for selfies with us. We share our food (love honey maple turkey) and our house (bed, tub, shoes, etc) What’s ours is theirs and what’s theirs… well, they’re cats so it’s theirs. We have several cat towers, we’ve made carpeted window seats so they could be comfortable while watching the birdies out back, we leave the front door open even in 30 degree weather so they can try to chase the leaves, we give them filtered spring water… and the list goes on because to us, they’re family. My son says they get treated better than him… could be true 😉

My thoughts, if you’re going to get a “pet” be sure you want a family member, that’s exactly what they are and how they should be treated. Hers a very tiny sneak peak at our family, it was very hard to just pick a few pictures!! Love them so ♥

Recipe Review – Tortellini pasta salad with fresh corn, tomatoes and basil

One word: ORGASMIC!

‘Nuff said.

Okay, I gotta add a little more since this is a blog.

I got this recipe here. My sis gave me a basil plant she grew from the seed because I said how much I loved basil. (my actual words were “the smell of basil kinda turns me on”) This is a true statement, as strange as it may be.

When I got home, I of course jumped on (No! No! mind out of gutter) PINTEREST! And started a massive basil recipe board search. Sadly, I don’t like pesto, think it’s the piney flavor, so I had to scroll through blunders of those to find anything that my taste buds would enjoy. When I saw this image (above) I knew I HAD to make this. Though I balked a little at cutting the corn off the cob, I did as instructed. I also added 2 grilled chicken breasts to the recipe since this was our lunch for the week and we need to get our protein in. I used a 19 oz bag of tortellini, figured those 2 ounces were made up for with the chicken. The dressing is very light, I didn’t think it was enough at first but it spread out quite well.

My ingredients hadn’t “cooled” when I mixed them but my taste buds were applauding! I prefer it warm versus the cold salad version but I also have uber sensitive teeth and prefer most foods warmed up a bit.

So take ‘orgasmic’ ‘smell turns me on’ ‘ spreads out quite well’ and this for sure is the star of my food porn collection.

Date Night – Using the date jar

I am a Pinterest addict. If I could make a living pinning, I’d for sure be pretty rich. I know many pin and just move on and never really LOOK or TRY what they pinned. I am not that pinner. Granted I have nearly 11,000 pins so obviously I have not tried them all but I try a lot.

I got the “date jar” idea from pinterest. I found the craft idea then pinned tons of date ideas from different pinners and sites. The Dating Divas is one of my faves.
The name says it all. TONS of ideas for dates, at home dates, adventurous dates, romantic dates, fun dates, lazy dates, cheap dates… whatever you’re looking for, they’ve written about it.

We created our jar on “date night” last week. We grabbed our mason jar, popsicle sticks, highlighters, colored pens and list of date ideas we like and we headed to Panera for iced coffees and shared a brownie. This in itself was a fun date!

Tuesday night we drew a popsicle stick. We color coordinated them so that we knew which ones were at home (cheaper options) versus going out and spending money options. We choose a pink one since we just returned from vacation. We got “slow dance to your favorite love songs” ❤

After dinner, we strolled upstairs, lit some incense, closed the curtains and lit a few color changing lights. My partner wore her sweats and tank top but grabbed a sexy tie and put it on (I loved this idea) so I grabbed my pretty swimsuit cover up and slipped it on. It wasn’t extravagant or time-consuming but added a little to the moment.

We both played our songs and danced close, holding each other. We even shed a tear a two knowing how much the words to the songs meant for each of us.

Then, just like all date nights, we grabbed the popsicle stick with the date on it and took a selfie in our attire and date stamped it to put in our smash book (another date night idea)

Simple yet so meaningful.

And in case you were wondering, here are the songs we danced to. (She swears the one she played was written about me – to a tee!!) 🙂

The one she played for me.

The one I played for her: